Don the armour, John

Bring the helmet and body armour with you, John. You'll need it.

If John Dyson believes the challenges of coaching the West Indies could not possibly be as daunting as taking on the fearsome Caribbean fast bowlers at the very height of their powers, then he's in for a major shock. Even without seeking out Bennett King on what to expect, the very best advice that could be offered to the former Australian opening batsman is to brace for the worst, and then prepare for even more deterioration, both on and off the field.

In announcing the full-time successor to King as head coach of the senior regional squad last Saturday night, the West Indies Cricket Board has decided once again to go foreign in appointing someone who will take licks on their behalf. That's what this thankless job essentially amounts to these days, as the upcoming Test series in South Africa and at home to Sri Lanka and Australia will confirm.

Obviously, he must be optimistic about providing some glimmer of hope in these dark ages for the game here (yes Wes, we're already in it), or else he would not have offered himself for the position. In any event, no Aussie worth his vegemite embarks upon any task unprepared certainly when it comes to sport.

Five Tests against various combinations of Holding, Roberts, Croft, Garner, Marshall, Walsh and Clarke in the 1980s would normally be considered the ultimate in cricketing torture chambers. However, Dyson, like so many others in that era, was at least able to focus clearly on the approaching assailant. It brought him the enormous satisfaction of a hundred in his very first Test against the West Indies -127 not out to ensure a draw at Sydney in the 1981-82 series - although his next best effort in eight subsequent innings against the most irresistible combined force the game has ever known was just 30.

By the time the same marauding army of invading Caribbean conquerors ended his international career three years later (Marshall trapped him leg-before for five in what proved to be his final innings in Adelaide), he must have felt that the combination of mental stress and physical threat from such a relentless assault was the ultimate cricketing test.

In coaching Sri Lanka for two years before being succeeded by fellow-Australian Tom Moody in 2005, Dyson will also be acutely aware of the consequences of naked political interference in matters that should be solely within the purview of the coach and selectors. Indeed, it is a testament to the ability of that country's players to concentrate on their performances in the middle while anyone with any sort of official designation attempts to wield some form of influence on the composition of the national side.

Just days ago, Sri Lanka's sports minister intervened to secure the inclusion of former captain Marvan Atapattu in the squad for the tour of Australia. While such overt involvement in cricketing matters is not the practice in these parts, Dyson will have to become swiftly attuned to the semi-political intrigue and parochialism that defines the operations of the WICB. Just six months into the job, King observed that he was being required to involve himself in tasks that he hadn't signed on for, but was prepared to follow through with them for the sake of trying to establish the infrastructure to facilitate development and continuity.

So the new coach will have to become intimately familiar with the nature of the West Indian socio-political landscape as it pertains to cricket. In the very strictest sense, he shouldn't really have to, although it will certainly help the 53 year old from New South Wales to understand how members of the same organisation that appointed him, and will undoubtedly offer him a resounding public endorsement, are likely to be obstructive or otherwise seek to undermine him in pursuit of their own petty priorities.

Speaking of the public, and never having experienced a tour of these schizophrenic territories, Dyson must learn to immunise himself from the heated and invariably irrational public discourse that passes for debate on West Indies cricket. Coming from a country not known for its deep religiousness, he will find the occasional scriptural references from pompous politician, verbose academic and caustic commoner alike in explaining the plight of the regional side to be most instructive.

We have all the answers, including a knee-jerk reacting media (that's one thing in common with Australia, so we're on the right developmental path there), yet none of our abundant analysis and failsafe solutions over the past 12 years have even managed to slow the pace of this distressing decline. So the new coach should listen carefully and keep a canister of salt handy to get the real flavour of what is being said.

And what of the players? The less said about the current senior crop the better, except that Dyson should take careful note of the current captain's final words on the departed King. Expecting nothing is the best starting point, although he should be prepared for reactions that range from sullen indifference to smiling treachery.

Compared to all of the above, memories of ducking, bobbing and weaving, fending off venomous deliveries in sheer self-preservation and nursing bruises through sleepless nights may become much more bearable.

At least then the opener could have seen them coming. As coach, well, even 360-degree vision may not be enough to survive.